Stephen Wright jokes
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP
I believe five out of four people have trouble with
fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool
came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of
bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . .they were cramming
for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little
tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post
Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why
don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could
look for them while they delivered the mail?
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is
full of portraits by Picasso.
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live
there?
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I shopped.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the OTHERS here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women
there, is he still wrong?
Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything
will turn out OK.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their
team is winning.
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be
vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it
didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime
next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide,
is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come
from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long
I'd be gone. I said, "The
whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And
who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before
getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack
it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live
above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
taste funny?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to
have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be
twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know
the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw
hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings when they're already
finished?
