Chuck Norris Facts
- Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble
themselves out of fear.
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet
for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is
compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter
- Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with
ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records
it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those
listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse
kicks you in the face.
- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck
Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
- CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update
Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
- Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
- Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and
the butter comes straight out.
- Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be
- Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was
called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
- Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video
game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to
do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied,
"That's no glitch."
- Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger,
by yelling, "Bang!"
- Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris
once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle
was six feet tall and had learned karate.
- Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving
multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in
this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public,
Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein
today as Stephen Hawking.
- Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the
American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a
roundhouse kick to the face.
- There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has
- Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more
testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
- Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift
of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise
men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift,
and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon
after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
- A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of
execution in 16 states.
- When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet.
Water gets Chuck Norris.
- Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big
Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
- When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay.
It will be because he has run out of women.
- How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck
Norris? ...All of it
- In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even
larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be
- A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1
- Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called
- While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
- There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even
- An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't
know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.
- Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs,
bedframes, and sidewalks.
- Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a
fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm
stadium in San Diego.
- Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that
gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more
beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
- Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element
- The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck
Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The
Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop
a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been
badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't
before his first space expedition.
- Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then
cried himself to sleep.
- Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a
- Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown
shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
- Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must
ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason
for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local
election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his
- Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
- Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually
they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
- When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck
Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
- Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to
- Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only
thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
- In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked
that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the
- Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section
when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
- Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris
- What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use
its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship,
- Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make
his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
- On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back
to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb
sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it
instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good
Chuck, he taketh away.
- Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
- Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker,
Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
- Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known
today as Giraffes.
- Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it
would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another Chuck
Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the
- Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris
roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
- Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was
roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him
through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
- Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
- Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he
just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
- How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie
pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
- If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush
Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.
- Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the
better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat.
Lou Gehrig got off easy.
- The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring
- Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of
Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.
- In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs
Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out
of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere.
- Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
- Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with
"obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two
places at the same time.
- Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only
Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks
the Playstation back to Japan.
- The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are
also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
- Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet
that Chuck Norris is on.
- Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire
FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he
roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
- For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his
shirt, directly into his chest.
- A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was
the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for
inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
- Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his
- Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that
he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one
of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him
instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent
spike and bailing wire.
- Back in the '30s, there was a lot of controversy because Chuck Norris
was the first black woman to refuse to sit at the back of the bus. He
karate-chopped every white person’s head off in sight, and now he sits
wherever the fuck he wants to.
- For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical
duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and
that war will have never actually existed.
- During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For
torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
- Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him
- Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
- Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a
Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became
- Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back
- Chuck Norris only waves to people who doesn't have any hands. He wants
them to think he's cocky.
- Contrary to Kayne West’s infamous statement, Chuck Norris doesn’t care
about black people.
- 27. The number of fatal roundhouse-kicks to the face Chuck Norris has
given to other people in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
- Chuck Norris slicks his hair back with his victims sweat.
- Chuck Norris was once high. This is when he found out that butter is way
better than margarine.
- Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris doesn't own a pager or a cell phone. He is always around
everyone, ever. If you need to contact him, whisper, "Hey Chuck Norris" and
he will turn his head to the right and say "What?"
- The hit series 'Lost' takes place in Chuck Norris' beard.
- 10x10= Chuck Norris.
- So fed up of his slow computer system at home, Chuck Norris pissed
anabolic steroids and increased its performance.
- Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step father.
- Ask not what Chuck Norris can do for you, but what can you do for Chuck
- If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck
- Michael Jackson's nose is about to fall off because Chuck Norris gave
him a facial.
- Chuck Norris’ 5 o’clock shadow appears yesterday.
- Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that is why there are no signs of
- Chuck Norris can do 137 pushups. With his feet.
- Ashton Kutcher once tried to punk Chuck Norris. After Ashton told him
"You got punked!" Chuck Norris immediately Karate-chopped him in the left
testicle and responded, "No I didn't, your testicles did."
- Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
- Will Smith once said, "I got to get me one of these." Chuck Norris does
in fact have one of those.
- Chuck Norris never has to force a confession out of a convict. They all
spill their guts immediately...and literally.
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