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(note: This is just for a laugh. I don't actually do this things! Also, part of this has been censored) 

1. Teach them the "rules" for writing: all consonants are written from the bottom up and vowels from the top down. However, this is reversed when there are double consonants, then the first one is written bottom up, and the second from top down. 

2. At least once a week, preferably more, give them random beatings. Never explain them, in fact, do not admit their existence at all. 

3. Teach them that the world does so revolve around them, and that they are always right. This should be a useful social tool later on in life. 

4. Pretend to die. See what they do. 

5. Foster indifference. 

6. Never let them cut their hair. Ever. 


8. Prozac. And lots of it. 

9. Tell them that people who are born with the color hair they have die at age 30. 


11. Kill all the family pets and then say that God did it because they wouldn't do the dishes. This should foster a nice atheistic household. 

12. Randomly run people over and then explain to them that the people had to die because they were stupid for getting in front of the car. 


14. Say that Charles Manson is their real father. 

15. Teach them a relatively obscure language, like ancient Hebrew, instead of English. Pray to a minimum of 17.5 gods. Nightly. In teaching them the regular heathen religions they need to know about, be sure to switch god and the devil. 

16. Teach them to shake spastically and screm for mecy whenever they spot someone wearing a hat depicting some lame football team. 

17. Sacrifice one of their school teachers every thursday afternoon before tea and crumpets. 

18. Even for regular dental visits be sure to request heavy nitrous and novocaine for them. Every time. And get some for yourself. 

19. Smoke them out. 

20. Continue your early college tradition of getting stoned and writing stupid lists every night. 

21. Three words: dress 'em funny! 

22. Their role model is a mix between Macaulay Culkin and that kid who sued Michael Jackson. 

23. Tell them their real dad is Newt Gingrich. 




27. Tell them you love them every day. When they say "I love you, too" laugh and say, "I was just kidding!!" 

28. Put them in the dryer. 



31. Tell them that any kindness is an act of the devil. 

32. Don't feed them for a few weeks, then lock them in a small room with sharp implements and the family pets. 

33. Serve only spam and liver. 

34. Sacrifice small animals for dinner every Thursday night. 

35. Dose them every other day. 

36. Tell them that they are the reincarnation of the fire spirits and that they are on the planet to destroy the water spirits. No showers. And tell them that fire is their best tool. 

37. Tattoo them often. 

38. Teach them right and left backwards. This will be sure to mess them up for years to come. And if they're mormon, they'll have to "choose the left." 

39. Tell them Santa is a demon and he only wears the red coat to hide the blood stains. 

40. Switch the milk in their bottles with Wild Turkey. 

41. Register them with the Republican Party. 

42. Give them to Brian Kiehn for a few days. 

43. Encourage them to play with loaded weapons. I.e. your AK-47 

44. Make them drink TAB 


46. From the day they are born, play Joey Lawrence's CD nonstop. 

47. Tell them that it's safe to shower with the toaster. 

48. Tie them to the nearest stop sign and watch as total strangers laugh and poke them. 

49. Tape them to the ceiling. 

50. Give them stupid names like "Donkey" or "Momomo" or "Rush Limbaugh" 

51. On the day of their birth, enroll them in Oral Roberts University, class of 2016. Their childhood education should correspond. And name him Gomer. 


53. Scarfs. Year round. 

54. No Mirrors! 

55. Regular sessions with shock therapy. 

56. For the first five years of their life (until they start kindergarten) replace all the lights in the house with strobe lights. See what happens. (my guess: He'll learn to blink in synch with the strobe. That's what happened when i tried this experiment with kittens!) 

57. Whenever he says a certain word (let's pick "hungry"), do a little dance. Jump up and down 3 times, clap, touch your toes, then lay down on the ground and pretend to go to sleep. 

58. Make them memorize phone books of small towns. Beat them severely about the head if they can't recall someone's phone number and address is 10 seconds. 

59. Take them to church. 

60. Make them sleep in an iron maiden every night. (Need an explanation? It's a medieval torture device) 

61. Make them listen to Iron Maiden every night. (This will mess them up more than the previous one.) 

62. Do whatever your parents did to you. You're pretty messed up! 

63. Make them run on treadmills to power the entire house. If they can't generate enough electricity to cook the food, make them eat the meat raw. Tell them the diseases they get are punishments from god for their poor effort. 

64. Don't potty train them. 

65. Make them taunt Happy Fun Ball. 

66. Take the kid to the roof. Tell him he can fly. Sit back and watch. 

67. Two words: sell them! 

68. Tell them that in order for thermometers to work, they must be left in for 3-4 hours, and in order to be 100% effective, must be given every day. 

69. Get them addicted to beef jerky. Make them eat a tub a day. Ration their water supply. 

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