THE
FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS
Stage
1 -- Smart
This
is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know
all
and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will
listen.
At this stage you are also always right. And of course the
person
you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours
trying
to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an
interesting
argument when both parties are "smart". Two people
talking,
in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows
anything
about, but are convinced that they are the complete
authority
on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get
the
opportunity to listen in.
Stage
2 -- Handsome/Pretty
This
is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person
in
the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink
at
perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they
had
been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of
attention,
and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most
beautiful
thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you
are
still smart, so you can talk to
this person who has been
admiring
you about any and all subjects under the sun.
Stage
3 -- Rich
This
is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You
can
buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you
surely
have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the
bar.
You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still
know
all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no
concern
for how much money you bet because you have all the money in
the
world. You will also begin to buy
drinks for all the people in
the
bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest,
prettiest,
and richest person on the face of the earth.
Stage
4 -- Bulletproof
You
can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money
with
because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would
go
up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your
beautiful
self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for
money.
You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you
know
all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win
a
fight that might erupt if he loses.
Stage
5 -- Invisible
This
is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
absolutely
anything because no one can see you. You can get up and
dance
on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you
all
evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see
you.
You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a
fight
with earlier in the evening. You
can walk through the streets
singing
at the top of your lungs (because
of course you are still
smart
and know the tune perfectly) and no
one will think anything of
it
because they can't see you. All
your social inhibitions are gone.
You
can do anything, because no one
will know. And you certainly
won't
remember.
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