Beer Troubleshooting
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Cause: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Cause: Improper bladder control.
Solution: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Cause: Glass empty.
Solution: Get someone to buy you another beer.
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Cause: You have fallen over backward.
Solution: Have yourself leashed to bar.
Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Cause: You have fallen forward.
Solution: See above.
Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Cause: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
Symptom: Floor blurred.
Cause: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Solution: Get someone to buy you another beer.
Symptom: Floor moving.
Cause: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Cause: Bar has closed.
Solution: Confirm home address with bartender.
Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Cause: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Solution: Cover mouth.
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