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250 Ways to be annoying

1. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". 
2. Drum on every available surface. 
3. Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.fetish.hamster.duct-tape. 
4. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 
5. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 
6. Ask 800 operators for dates. 
7. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. 
8. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. 
9. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 
10. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 
12. Set alarms for random times. 
13. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip. . . " 
14. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. 
15. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted. 
16. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 
17. Honk and wave to strangers. 
18. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. 
19. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 
20. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 
21. Wear your pants backwards. 
22. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. 
23. Begin all your sentences with "Ooh la la!" 
24. Rouse your roommate from slumber each morning with the song "Baby Beluga". 
25. Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-Cyrillic-landscape mode. 
27. only type in lowercase. 
28. dont use any punctuation either 
29. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 
30. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 
31. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 
32. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 
33. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 
34. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories. 
35. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now. " 
36. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 
37. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 
38. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 
39. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador". 
40. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 
41. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 
42. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 
43. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One". 
44. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 
45. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 
46. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. 
47. Sing the "This is the song that never ends… " song. 
48. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 
49. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 
50. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. 
51. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat. 
52. Drive half a block. 
53. Name your dog "Dog". 
54. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 
55. Ask people what gender they are. 
56. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 
57. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. 
58. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl. 
59. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot". 
60. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 
61. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. 
62. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 
63. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 
64. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 
65. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 
66. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 
67. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. 
68. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 
69. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 
70. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 
71. Wear a LOT of cologne. 
72. Ask to "interface" with someone. 
73. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing". 
74. Sing along at the opera. 
75. Mow your lawn with scissors. 
76. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!" 
77. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy." 
78. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend". 
79. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 
80. Ask your coworkers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". 
81. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket". 
82. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture". 
83. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 
84. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. 
85. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 
86. Never make eye contact. 
87. Never break eye contact. 
88. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 
89. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 
90. Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 
91. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 
92. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 
93. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 
95. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 
96. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 
97. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 
98. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, and such in the break room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that." 
99. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Sexual Favors". 
100. Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know. 
101. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally. 
102. Switch the sheets on your beds while your roommate is at class. 
103. Twitch a lot. 
104. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. 
105. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. 
106. Become a sub-genius. 
107. Inject your roommate's Twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG. 
108. Learn to levitate. While your co-workers are looking away, float up out of your seat. When they turn to look, fall back down and grin. 
109. Speak in tongues. 
110. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling. 
111. Walk and talk backwards. 
112. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them. 
113. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye." 
114. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly. 
115. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class, or hit him/her with the wrench. 
116. Collect all your urine in a small jug. 
117. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food. 
118. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are. 
119. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." 
120. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them. 
121. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened. 
122. Eat glass. 
123. Smoke ball-point pens. 
124. Smile. All the time. 
125. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate. 
126. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously. 
127. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you. 
128. Leave a declaration of war on your co-worker's desk. Include a list of grievances. 
129. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns. 
130. Shoot rubber bands at your co-workers while their backs are turned, and then look away quickly. 
131. Dye all your underwear lime green. 
132. Spill a lot of beer on your roommate's bed. Swim. 
133. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet. 
134. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it. 
135. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents with postage due. 
136. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty. 
137. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks. 
138. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them. 
139. Paint your half of the room black, or paisley. 
140. Whenever your roommate is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why…" Be creative. 
141. Shave one eyebrow. 
142. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bed frame. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently. 
143. Put horseradish in your shoes. 
144. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want. 
145. Always flush the toilet three times. 
146. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often. 
147. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class. 
148. Give your roommate an allowance. 
149. Listen to radio static. 
150. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up. 
151. Speak into a walkie-talkie in trucker's terms. 
152. Divide the floor into an 8 X 8 grid. Arrange piles of laundry, books, pizza boxes, etc. on the grid and tell your roommate that you've turned the room into a chess game and not to move any of the piles. 
153. Cover one of the walls with Polaroids of fire hydrants from all over the city. Tell your roommate that you think that you were a dog in a former life. Stare lovingly at the photos, and make frequent trips to the bathroom. 
154. Get a small, battery-operated clock that ticks very loudly. Put it in a briefcase and put the briefcase next to your roommate's bed. 
155. Expound upon the importance of good personal hygiene. Wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask in the room. 
156. Eat an entire bag of cheese curls at once. When you are finished, see how many times you can make orange fingerprints from all of the cheese junk left on your fingers. 
157. Come home from class with a bucket of plaster of Paris. Paint a section of the ceiling with it, and plaster your roommate's underwear to the stuff. When your roommate comes in and comments, tell him/her, "Sorry, I was doing your laundry, and I sneezed." 
158. Wear the most obnoxious orange hat that you can find. Convince you roommate and everybody else that if they do not wear an orange hat, they will be hit by stray bullets. 
159. Point west at 3 AM every night and yell, "It came from that way." 
160. Walk around in circles all the time. Complain that your turn signal is stuck. 
161. Display your collection of Rush Limbaugh memorabilia on the coffee table. Surround the autographed photo with red candles. 
162. Buy a horny pit bull. Warn people, "it's best to let him finish." 
163. Keep a bookcase filled with 50 copies each of Helter Skelter and the Satanic Verses. 
164. Don't laugh at people's jokes, but laugh at anything else they say. 
165. Don't serve dinner. Tell guests you only eat on Thursdays. 
166. Cry out in the middle of the night," The fuzzy things are after me again!" Later on, barge into someone's room wrestling a pair of bunny slippers. 
167. Leave human bones lying around the house. 
168. Sleep suspended by your ankles. 
169. Late at night, perch at the foot of your roommate's bed. If they say anything, just stare. 
170. Refuse to discuss anything green. 
171. Don't wear clothes. 
172. Keep dead animals in cages. Talk to them. 
173. Give each guest a piece of wet spaghetti. If they ask what it's for, look at them quizzically. 
174. Whenever people touch you, go into convulsions. 
175. At dinner, set a place for the TV. 
176. Insist that people call you Ishmael. 
177. Stare incessantly at the ceiling. 
178. Paint happy faces on everything you own, including both the interior and exterior of your house. 
179. Keep a dead fish on your head. 
180. Always insist, " It's such lovely weather we're having," no matter what it is. 
181. Drive a hearse. Keep a coffin in the back. If you take people for a ride, tell them not to talk too loudly, so as not to disturb Uncle Joey. 
182. Sneak out of the house for several hours, then sneak back in. Act as if you were there the whole time. 
183. If the phone rings, kill it. 
184. Instruct your guests that they should never touch any of the light switches. 
185. Grow a lawn in your living room. Keep your furniture outside. 
186. Only use red light bulbs. 
187. If people inquire about your family, tell them you were acquitted of the whole thing. 
188. End every sentence with, "my children of the night." i.e. "Dinner will be ready at 7:00, my children of the night." 
189. Mutter complaints about the seven-day waiting period. 
190. Carry a wooden stake, and insist that everyone wear garlic, "just in case." 
191. Keep the TV upside down, except at dinner. 
192. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 
193. Don't set silverware. Serve mashed potatoes. 
194. Wear a cape and plastic fangs at all times. 
195. Chew tobacco. Don't use a spittoon. 
196. Call everyone heathens, then perform a ritual to purify yourself from their contamination. 
197. Have 'Nam flashbacks, whether you were there or not. 
198. Stop whatever you are doing when the Power Rangers come on, and insist that everyone watches it with you. 
199. Always chew 40 times before swallowing. Count by keeping a tally in a notebook. 
200. Rig the TV so it only picks up the food network. Make sure that there's nothing to eat in the house. 
201. Have a Brady Bunch theme sing-a-long. 
202. While your roommate is in the shower, switch their clothes for a suit just like Pee Wee Herman's. 
203. Wear tribal war paint. 
204. Bite you toenails. 
205. Pick a word of the day, and laugh maniacally whenever anyone says it. 
206. Keep a "number of kills" tally on the coffeepot. Don't ever drink any yourself. 
207. Go into the basement and dig a shallow grave for each guest. If they inquire, be honest. 
208. Suggest playing spin the bottles, regardless of the person's gender. 
209. Smash miscellaneous objects against your forehead for no apparent reason 
210. Whenever someone disagrees with you, bite him/her. 
211. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. 
212. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if a takeout will accept it. 
213. Use CB lingo where applicable. 
214. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal from Pizza Hut. 
215. Terminate every call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation.'' 
216. Answer everyone's questions with questions. 
217. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 
218. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. 
219. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. 
220. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. 
221. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 
222. Act like you know a stranger from somewhere. Say, "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?'' 
223. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs. 
224. Tell the pizza delivery person to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. 
225. Act like you're ringing the police when calling Domino's. Report a petty theft. 
226. If a waiter suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." 
227. Start all conversations by reciting the date and saying, "This may be my last entry." 
228. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. 
229. Ask if the order taker is familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be 
done to your pizza. 
230. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it. 
231. Order a one-inch pizza. 
232. If a waiter suggests a side order, ask why they are punishing you. 
233. Order a steamed pizza. 
234. Ask for a pizza without the crust. 
235. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to others. 
236. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!" 
237. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 
238. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?" 
239. Offer nametags to everyone in the office. Wear yours upside-down. 
240. Lean over to a classmate and whisper" "Noogie patrol coming!" 
241. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 
242. Stare, grinning, at someone for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!" 
243. Meow occasionally. 
244. Walk around with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side. 
246. Burp, and then say "Mmmm… tasty!" 
247. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to others through it. 
248. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body." 
249. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at others. 
250. Force someone to read to the end of this list. 

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