RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS
I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy....I'd have nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home," I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early,"
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid........When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture...of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father. "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could - But he pulled through."
I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost...... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him.... "Do you think we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid...there are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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