How to write a paper
(the college way)
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place and turn on your computer (or get lots of freshly sharpened pencils and paper).
2. Check your e-mail.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
5. Check your e-mail.
6. Decide to go hunt for inspiration and go visit your friend from from class who lives on the other floor. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to Baskin Robbins and buy some ice cream to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop her.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted spot and stare at your computer screen. Play solitaire.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your e-mail.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11.. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
13. Listen to the other side.
14. Check your e-mail.
15. Rearrange all of your CDs in alphabetical order.
16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet.
Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the world at large.
17. Sit in front of your computer
18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor it's special flavor.
19. Check your e-mail.
20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowlers Tour b) 90210
21. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on Channel 26.
22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
23. Check your e-mail.
24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench coated strangers lurking in the hall.
28. Check your e-mail.
29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place and stare at the blank monitor. Play minesweeper.
30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
33. Check your e-mail.
34. Leap up and write the paper.
35. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your e-mail.
36. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that
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